Monday, December 28, 2009

Saying Goodbye (Daddy Must Protect The Family)

Some relationships resolve amicably, and others end with blunt force. I suppose peacefully is preferable, and I wish that were always the case. But when she knows too much, you can’t risk her being scooped up by the next passerby who fancies her wares. It sickens me to think how quickly she would divulge all I shared over the years. And that’s when an empty basement and some rudimentary tools become not only justifiable, but an absolute necessity.

When the house was finally empty I invited her. We were alone, so I started undressing her slowly. It almost felt like old times, but we both knew there was something very different. We hadn’t touched in years; certainly not like this. Her hard exterior was quickly uncovered. I don’t think either of us was prepared for what would happen next.

I gently lay her on the floor so that her most vulnerable was exposed. I reached for the screwdriver, raised it above my head and struck fast and sharply with the intention of piercing her brain. The resistance startled me as my arm retracted, bouncing off of her lifeless frame. The first blow did not pierce her as I had planned, but it had begun. I immediately dropped the screwdriver and grabbed the right tool for the job.

When the hammer came down with incredible force, her fragments splattered into my face. My blood began to flow voraciously, and I could feel the adrenaline pump like a geyser. I visualized my next attack, shut my eyes and delivered dose after dose of destruction, quickly opening my eyes to take in the damage. Surely, she would never speak again. But that wouldn’t be enough, for I was engulfed. My rage took over, and I was no longer in control. I would not be satisfied until I completely disemboweled every inch of her being.

When the mayhem was finally complete, I surveyed my efforts and in a moment of clarity was stunned. It would take me twice as long to clean up the mess I had made. Meticulous care and a heavy-duty contractor bag would leave the scene with no tale to tell. It was finished.

Though I’m sure there are less violent, neater, and more humane methods, I can think of no more satisfying way to dispose of a computer.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Torture Method #132

If you’re a woman upset with your man, the following is one of the most effective passive aggressive techniques available: Wait for the moment when he’s in bed, after he’s done reading or watching the evening news. Wait until he gives you the final kiss goodnight. Wait until his head hits the pillow, and then wait one beat longer, and say: “I missed my period this month. Remind me to pick up a test tomorrow.”

This accomplishes two goals. First, hormones will flood the nervous system. These hormones carry the signal of intense fear. Second, restful sleep is virtually impossible because the burden is on him to remind you to buy a test.

You’ll invariably be faced with a man who wants a resolution immediately. Remember, regardless of truth, stick to your story. You do NOT have tests in the house. If he knows that you do, maintain that they ARE expired. If he knows where they are NOT, or insists on running out to the store to purchase fresh tests, you’ll have conveniently urinated 5 seconds prior to delivering the “nightly news.”

Now, it’s important that you get a good night of sleep. You want him to suffer while you’re at rest. To get him off your case, explain that you will verify the situation first thing in the morning. If you’re paying attention, you probably already guessed the next step: forget the conversation ever happened, don’t buy the test, and don’t call him. Without question, he will call, text, and e-mail you throughout what you will later refer to as “the busiest day ever.”

When you are sufficiently pleased with his pain, you may let him know that he can relax. The test was negative. This method will successfully provide hours of entertaining torment. Feel free to print and frame the e-mails and text messages as a symbol of a job well done.

BONUS: This method can continue to another level. After you explain that the test is negative, become angry at you man’s reaction to the news of a potential pregnancy. Why wouldn’t he be honored to share the gift of life with you? The possibilities are endless.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I love mornings

I rarely set an alarm clock.  It is a freedom that I thoroughly enjoy.  Most days, I simply wake up as a result of my beautiful boy calling for me.  However, there is nothing more frightening then the mornings I open my eyes for no other reason than my body and mind are ready to rise.  One would think this the superior option to begin a day, unless you have a child.  

Jackson has an interesting sleeping habit.  If he goes to bed at his usual bed time, 6:30pm, he sleeps until about 5 or 6am.  At that time, the sun has not risen, so Jack plays, for an hour or so, and goes back to sleep until 8 or 9am.  This is the norm.  If he goes to bed any later, he sleeps later, but when he wakes for the first time around 7ish the sun is up and he doesn't want to go back to sleep.  So, Jackson actually sleeps later if he is put to bed earlier.  Either way, I am pretty much timed out to wake up around 9am at the latest.

Today, I woke up at 10:30 and instantly panicked.  I ran to his room.  Face on pillow, sucking thumb, and his breathing that lifted his torso up and down almost distracted me from the brown streak of poop crawling 3/4 of the way up his back.  Sheets had to be changed, and Jackson went right into the shower.  

Tomorrow is not a daddy day.  Regardless, I'm not setting an alarm clock.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Out with the Old, In with the New

Shea Stadium is no more.  Neither is the little baby I brought to Shea for his first game back in September '08.  But when one door closes another one opens, and Jackson, Mommy and Daddy had a wonderful time enjoying our shared first experience of CitiFeild.  It didn't hurt that the Mets won 8-2!  

Jackson has grown so much over the last half a year.  Although I will miss the little baby who fell asleep in my arms, I am so in love with the little boy who still falls asleep in our arms.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Journal Entry Eight: Is this trip over yet?

I want to be home. At the end of vacations, I usually just want to board a beaming transporter that sends me right to my couch in good ol’ Brooklyn, New York. On this particular trip, I don’t even want to finish my last day. Sea World could collapse in an earthquake tonight leaving a plentiful bounty for local sushi restaurants, and I could get in my beaming machine and just be home, and I would be thrilled.

I am so thankful that I am able to take a California trip, and see the major parts of the State with my family. I’m just tired. California is large, and this trip has been long, and it has been a tourist trip, not a relaxing vacation. Nothing was vacated. My regular life is more of a vacation, and I can’t wait to get back to it. Being on vacation with a baby isn’t easy, and next time I do it, I think I just want to lie on a beach. I don’t even want to rent a car. Maybe I’ll just go to Coney Island.

Journal Entry Seven: I Hate Vacation

I’m getting tired of “vacation.” I’m actually looking forward to this upcoming weekend, as some relaxing time off. My next vacation is going to be either to Florida to sit on a beach, or some other beach locations where I plan nothing.

Yesterday was our first full day in San Diego. We went to the Zoo, which is Latin for “animal toilet.” The Zoo was nice, but I could have gone to the Bronx and been just as dazzled. I could have done without the birds. There are plenty of birds in NYC. Sure, they are pigeons mostly, but birds are birds. I feel the same about fish and dogs. I own one of each and don’t need to pay admission fee to see them. When I go to the Zoo I want to see animals that I don’t see every day, like giraffes, and elephants, and white trash tourists.

We did get to see some Mormons, which I mistakenly took for Amish until Nicole reminded me that it would take months for the Amish to get to San Diego via horse and buggy. I also found it interesting that the Zoo restaurants serve Cow, Pig and Chicken. This seems a bit hypocritical to me. I guess we have to wait for the farm animals to become endangered before we care enough about them to lock them up and let Asians snap photos.

Jackson had fun…I think.

Today is a nice relaxing beach day, in the 63 degree weather. I don’t mean to complain, but I was severely disillusioned when I booked this trip. I thought the climate of southern California was similar to the climate of southern Florida. Maybe it has been a weird week, but it feels like it has been cold from San Francisco to San Diego. Oh well, I’ll just keep reminding myself that it is colder in NY, until I get back home on Thursday morning and realize how good I had it in California. I hate vacation.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Journal Entry Six: The Beginning of The End

Goodbye LA, for now. Hello San Diego. The ride down was nothing compared to the trek from San Fran to LA. We took a detour to drive through Laguna Beach, and no matter how many times I look at the Pacific Ocean, it always amazes me. The views from Laguna are all from the mountain so the ocean looks huge.

Before we left LA, we met with Briana and her boyfriend, Josh. It was great to see her, and introduce Jackson, but too short of a visit. We arrived at the new hotel around 5:45pm, and headed out for dinner. The clocks were set forward today, so the sun set later and Jackson went to sleep at 8pm, instead of 7pm. We have to get him back on track over the next two days.

Tomorrow we are off to the San Diego Zoo. We will then take a nice relaxing beach day on Tuesday and Sea World on Sunday before we fly back to New York Sunday night at 9pm.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Journal Entry Five: Beach Bums

Today was beach day. We started at the Santa Monica Pier, where we walked right past Marcia Cross of Desperate Housewives. We strolled down the beach for a bit, but Jackson was a crab so we went back to the car and drove down the coast from beach to beach. We made it about eight and a half miles south of Venice Beach to Redondo Beach. We walked on the pier, stopped for lunch (early dinner), and played with Jackson in the sand for the first time ever. If an image of Jackson eating sand jumps into your head, then you know my son. The ocean was cold, but magnificent as the waves crashed and the sun set. We got chilly and took a drive back and forth along Esperande, a road overlooking the beach, and parked for the last 5 minutes before the sun’s last dot of light passed below the horizon. Jackson slept as we drove back to the hotel for dinner, bath, bottle and bed. Tomorrow, we are off to San Diego. Before we get down there we hope to have lunch with our friend Briana, and take a stroll along Venice Beach.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Journal Entry Four: LA, Days 1 and 2

I am already at the end of my second day in LA, and I am just now writing, because the last 48 hours have been full and busy.

Yesterday: We woke up, and needed desperately to go to Babies ‘r Us. The Garmin is an amazing GPS device…when it works. When it doesn’t work, I want to beat it like a possessed child. We finally found our haven of shit catchers and baby fuel, and headed off to TouristVille, U.S.A. – Hollywood Blvd.

Chinese Theatre, Walk of Fame, black dudes trying to sell me their rap CD…ah, ltake a deep breath of all that culture. After we took our obligatory pictures of the Hollywood sign, it was time to go look at the homes that we can’t afford. We could have taken a bus tour, but something about that made me want to puke. Next, it was off to the La Brea Tar Pits. Prehistoric animals trying with all their might to claw themselves out of tar makes me chuckle. After the museum, we went to tour the outside grounds. Jackson experienced sitting in grass for the first time. No big surprise that he likes to eat the grass and dirt. After a drive down Rodeo, and an early dinner in Beverly Hills we were pooped, as Nicole and I are now two old farts. We went back to the hotel and passed out.

Today: Up and out early to Disneyland. Jackson’s first Amusement Park, and therefore, first Disney Park experience. He had a ball. First ride: It’s a small world. Other Rides: Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh, Jungle Cruise, Enchanted Tiki Room, Donald’s Boat, Mickey’s House, Mad Tea Party. The little guy’s newest thing on this trip is that he now waves “Hi.” This made for quite an adorable day on constant lines.

We are all shot, and looking forward to a good night of sleep before we head out to the beaches tomorrow.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Journal Entry Three: Driving Mrs. Winchester

We arrived in Los Angeles last night at around 7:25pm after a day of driving down from San Francisco. We had left San Fran at around 10am, and took the inland route, opting to skip the scenic 10-hour costal journey for the shorter, baby friendly trek of 6 hours.

We made a detour in San Jose to go to a tourist trap that Nicole learned of on some “Haunted Places” television program on the Travel Channel. It’s called the Winchester Mystery House, and it was actually pretty cool. It’s a mansion, formerly owned by Sarah Winchester, the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune. She had lost her husband and child, both at young ages. So, she went to a psychic who told her that the spirits were angry with her and that she could only appease them by building a house forever, always building new additional. So that’s what she did. For over thirty years, she spent over 5 million dollars building this mansion. No doubt the psychic also happened to be related to the contractors that assisted in the construction. The weird part is that building the home wasn’t enough for her. She had to make the place twisted and nonsensical as hell to confuse the spirits. There are staircases that lead to the ceiling, and doors that open to two story drops. Oh yeah, bitches be crazy indeed!

The tour took a little over an hour, and since this whack job had tons of stairs we weren’t allowed to bring in Jackson’s stroller. Nicole and I traded off holding the little booger, until he fell asleep in my arms. Cute as can be, but heavy like a rock. We headed out, and the Garmin informed us that the remainder of our trip would still be about 6 hours. A hike, but better than the ten+ hours we would have wrestled with on the coast. Besides, the path we took, though not laden with oceanic views, was gorgeous just the same. Beautiful mountain ranges, bodies of water, and dancing rain in passing weather patterns gave us more than enough to look at during the drive. Best of all, Jackson slept almost the whole way.

The Beverly Hills Plaza Hotel is a steal. The combination of the off season, hotel renovations, shitty economy, and competition in the area equals $100 per night for what feels like a $400 per night suite. The room is probably 600-800 square feet. We have a full kitchen, full bathroom, distinct living room and bedroom, flat screen TV, and a desk with our own computer and fax machine. The hotel service is also very nice. We took it easy last night, and just watched some episodes of LOST and called it a day. Today we will venture out to see the sights of LA, and tomorrow we will be heading off to Disney Land.

Over the weekend we will hit the beaches, and any other attractions that we feel like seeing before we head off on Sunday to San Diego for the final leg of our California trip.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Journal Entry Two: The Rock, Tiburon and The Pacific

This morning, we headed out for an early breakfast, and then off to Alcatraz. The Rock, as they call it, was very much like I remembered from when I came to California with my father and brother. The boat ride was a quick 12 minutes. The tour was a standard issue audio self-tour. We learned about the prisoners, the escape attempts and that Jackson was not interested in Alcatraz. He was a little bitchy, until we covered his stroller with a blanket so that he couldn’t see. He fell right to sleep.

Nicole and I finished the tour, which worked out perfectly with the weather. It rained while we were indoors. We did a little shopping at the gift shop, and purchased a sign for Jackson’s bedroom that reads: “Regulation #5: You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention. Anything else that you get is a privilege.” We missed the boat back, but caught the next, and headed off to Tiburon, a city just north of San Francisco.

Tiburon was a beautiful city with an amazing view of San Francisco. To get there, we travelled over the Golden Gate Bridge, which is an awesome sight up close. The city of Tiburon was suggested by one of Nicole’s co-workers, specifically for a certain restaurant called Guaymas. It was a Spanish style restaurant that was worth the drive. The view of SF was breathtaking. While we ate, a hail storm passed over head pinging little balls of ice all over the SF facing deck. Jackson was a pleasure, which we noticed as an interesting little fact when considering the sharp contrast to his first few months of life. Now he enjoys eating with us, playing with his food, and flirting with the wait staff and other patrons.

We left Tiburon and headed back over the Golden Gate. I was very pleased to find out that the $6 toll is waved for carpools of over three people, and tiny people count as a person. There wasn’t much time to do anything else before we had to come back and put Jackson to bed, so we took a drive down the Great Highway that runs along the Pacific Coast of SF. The Pacific Ocean is beautiful. It seems so much more majestic and grand when compared to the Atlantic. The waves were huge, and we saw a few gents kite surfing. The sport is both intriguing and incredibly frightening.

On our last night in San Francisco, I really feel like our little family had its fill. I’m sure there are a few more nooks we could have uncovered, but this is a California trip, and not a San Francisco trip. With that, we will get a great night of sleep tonight, and head out nice and early tomorrow where we will venture down to Los Angeles for the next four days.