Monday, April 30, 2012

Everything's OK

I’ve been absent for a few days…OK more than a week or so.  It’s because I was away on vacation…OK having a nervous breakdown.  My Mom would tell me “Oh Tommy stop being so dramatic” and she is probably right.  You see having one child was stressful.  I was sure my life would change dramatically.  It did in some ways, but for the most part I was able to maintain the status quo.  But two?  (I’m actually starting to sweat right now as I’m typing).

Florida was a nice escape, and while I was there I daydreamed about giving up the hustle and bustle of New York life and moving to a tropical paradise, as if through photosynthesis I could convert sunshine into cash.  I even looked into jobs that I would never in a million years take if I were in New York, and for what?  To be miserable in a beautiful place?

When I returned, I realized that the only option I have is to follow through with my life here.  Follow my passion.  Push forward and everything will be OK.  The best part of everything being “OK” is that you can very easily change the definition of “OK.”  Beans and rice will keep us alive, so we are OK.  Retirement will take place in a coffin, OK.  My children will grow up with a Dad who is a happy and funny whatever I am (comic, writer, performer), rather than an absent and angry lawyer, and that is certainly OK.  I don’t remember how much money my parents made…just how much time we got to spend together.  We’ll figure it out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My Ami

Jackson: I want to go meet Your Ami 

(He meant Miami...My Ami, Your Ami, His Ami, Her Ami.....I love kids, My Kids, not Yours). 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Key Largo, Morning 3

Jack:  Dad, do you think you can turn the light on because I can't see my body?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I Love You Twelve

Mom: I love you

Jack: I love you too

Mom: I love you three

Jack: I love you 4

Mom: I love you 5

Jack: I love you 6

Mom: I love you 7

Jack: I love you 8

Mom: I love you 9

Jack: I love you 10

Mom: I love you 11

Jack: I love you 12

Mom: I love you 13

Jack: NOOOO, 12 is ENOUGH!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2012


While using neighboring urinals:

Jack: Wow Dad, your penis is long just like mine!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Hide and Seek

Jackson’s failure to understand the logistics of “Hide and Seek” makes it the perfect game that can be played for hours.  He counts and then just thinks I’m hiding no matter where I am.  When it is my turn to count, I completely ignore the game, and when he returns to me, I yell “Found You!!!” and he looses his shit.   This can’t go on for much longer, but for now it is brilliant.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Florida Keys Day 1

Our flight took off at 6:05am, so we woke up at 3:45am.  American Airlines charges per undergarment checked, so like refugees seeking warmer days, we carried everything with us on our backs.  When we arrived, the woman at the Dollar Rent A Car counter told me she knew nothing about the car insurance that I purchased on their website.  She even had a swivel computer where she could turn the screen around to prove that I was wrong and an idiot.  She didn't realize that I too have a computer and while mine isn't on a cool swivel, it is small enough to fit in my pocket.  I took out the email and showed her the confirmation.  She explained that it was insurance from an outside company and if anything happened I would have to submit claims to a different company.  I wound up wasting time canceling one insurance and taking the Dollar Rent A Car "ROCK SOLID-DON'T-CHU-WORRY-'BOUT-A-THANG" Insurance.  To make sure I get the full value of my insurance, I'm going to return the car through the revolving door that leads to the Dollar counter.

We drove to the hotel...I mean Motel...I mean where people die in movies.  It really isn't so bad except for what Nicole has deemed "The Creepiest Door in the World."  It really isn't that bad.  We just have to beat off the Chernobyl Creature who lives behind the door, and that only happens once an hour.

In the afternoon, we went to lunch, the pool, then dinner...Super Simple, Super Relaxing.  We were all in bed by 9pm.  We have two full size beds and Jack didn't want to sleep alone.  I cuddled with him in his bed until he fell asleep, but then I fell asleep and woke up around 4am.  Sometime between 9pm and 4am Jack transformed from a 32 pound, 3 foot boy to a 300 pound, 7 foot man and there was no room at all.  I looked at my other option; sleeping in bed with my 5 month pregnant wife....let's just say the Chernobyl Creature prefers to be the big spoon.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Jack:  Look Dad, A Violin!

(Jack holding a guitar to his neck with a fork in this hand)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Jackson:  I slept great...I dreamed about unicorns.

Dad: How did they taste?

Jackson (horrified) Noooo!

Dad: You didn't eat unicorn burgers?

Jackson:  Dad, they were friends.

Monday, April 9, 2012


Jack:  Dad, I’m taking a look at my penis.

Dad:  Fine, just go in your room.

I’m not sure (at least 100% sure) how I’m supposed to react to this.  On the one hand, it seems strange that little boys want to jam their penis in between every dresser drawer, Elmo book, and snow boot.  At the same time, I can’t see the benefit in making him uncomfortable about exploring his privates. 

I honestly don’t remember being 3 (or 18-25), but it must be weird to discover yourself.  Think about it…I touch my arm, I feel my arm being touched…I touch my foot, I feel my foot being touched…I touch my face, I feel my face being touched.   I touch my penis, OMG that is …different.


While I don’t remember much about my penis escapades at the tender age of 3, all boys (and I assume girls) do weird things with their privates at some point or another.   My mom is a nurse, and when I was about twelve, I had a thing for cutting the fingers off of her latex gloves and jamming my 12-year-old penis into them.  The thumb always fit the best but it was too short, while the middle finger was long enough but tight enough to create every shade of purple imaginable. 

One day while I was “exploring,” something different happened striking the fear of god in me.  Looking back, it was nothing more serious than a young boys first experience with an orgasm.  However, in my 12-year-old brain, I was convinced that I had somehow electrocuted myself and was going to die. I don’t know how I came to this conclusion.  Maybe I thought that I had generated enough static electricity from the friction that I had caused some sort of super-shock.  I knew I wasn’t dead yet, but if this was what electrocution felt like, I was doomed to continue to plug myself in, which would eventually result in certain death.  

I guess I’m a very liberal, forward-thinking dad because it doesn’t bother me if my kids explore their genitals.  I couldn’t possibly care less about what the church or society thinks, and the last thing I want to do is give my kids a complex.  I suppose as long as he doesn’t try to up the ante by sticking his dick in the electric outlet, all should be fine.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter Poll

Tonight at our pre-Easter dinner, Nicole told a story about a teacher who outed Santa Claus to a 2nd Grade class...Yikes!  Should she be fired?  Reassignment?  Disciplined?  Congratulated?  Promoted?  I didn't confirm any facts, but even a hypothetical can get a family discussion cookin'!

So, I created a poll.  It is to the left of your screen.  It has limited answers and no place for comments.  If you have a specific comment or suggestion or opinion, please leave it in the comment section of this post.

I'm curious...when did you find out and how would you tell your kids?  How would you feel if the teacher did?  Is there an age where all kids should know so that a teacher wouldn't have to keep the big secret?



What can I expect when my desk has more toys than pens?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

How Jack Wins Before 8am


Jack:  I’m HUNGRY!!!!

Dad: I’m sleeping, wait.


Jack: I’m STILL HUNGRY!!!!!!

Dad: Fine, what do you want?

Jack: I don’t know, let’s go check it out (runs into kitchen)

Dad: How about cereal….or oatmeal?

Jack: How about something else?

Dad: Well those are two options, this isn’t a restaurant.

Jack:  I know.  (runs to refrigerator) How about Strawberries?

Dad: Strawberries?  That’s it?

Jack:  Yep

Dad: fine


Jack:  Your eggs smell good.  I’ll have some for lunch.

Dad:  Eggs for lunch?

Jack: Yes.

Dad:  Fine.

Jack: OK, it’s lunchtime.

Dad:  It’s 7:30!

Jack: Time for Lunch!


Jack:  Thanks for the eggs Dad.

Dad:  Whatever.

Jack:  Can I have bread with Jelly?

Dad:  You just ate eggs and strawberries.

Jack:  But I’m hungry.

Dad:  FINE, but that’s your dinner and you can’t eat anything else today!!!

Jack:  Can I have a banana?

Dad:  I’m going back to bed, do whatever you want.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Jacksonism #254

"Why don't we watch Toy Story 3, and you can get a little work done, too" ~Jackson 6/6/11