Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Success


Wow, I can’t believe anyone reads this blog.  In fact, I’m convinced that I’m the shittiest blog poster in the world.  It’s been a full 2-months since I’ve posted and still there are 2-6 people checking out this blog on a daily basis.  It makes me wonder how many would read it if I posted regularly.  At this rate, I might be able to soar these numbers up into the low teens with minimal effort.  Then I would really be a success.

Quick Catch-Up:  Ellis is 2-months old.  He is about 12.5 pounds.  A tit-sucking monster indeed!  For some perspective, Jack was 12 pounds when he was 4-months.  After Ellis was born we found out that he was both tongue-tied and had a hole in his heart.  The hole closed and they clipped his tongue with no complications.  He is beautiful.  Jack is awesome.  They get along splendidly and Ellis lights up every time he hears Jack’s voice or sees his face.  Jack is doing excellent in school and receives what seems to be a new accolade each day.  Both boys are healthy and happy and that is all we can ask for. 

Interestingly, when you are blessed with kids who are happy and healthy, your focus becomes very self-centered.  “I want to perform comedy more, I want to write more, and I want to be more successful.”  These thoughts run through my selfish head constantly, and there never seems to be enough time.  Even when there is, I’m exhausted.  I can literally fall asleep in the middle of walking. 

Man, I’m an asshole.  2 beautiful healthy children, a wife who loves me even though I’m a complete pain in the ass, a wonderfully affordable home, and I whine about wanting more stage time to be a jackass.  It’s not like I don’t get a chance.  I’m on stage almost every week.  Ultimately, I think it comes down to the definition of “success.”  Is success a happy and healthy family?  Is it doing what you love?  Recognition for a job well done?  A couple of weeks ago, I started writing a book about success…I only wrote 4 pages.  Fail.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Children

Today was a great day.  I love you Ellis Jozef Galan.  Welcome to a family of wonderful people who will love you forever.  At 6:02am, we started another chapter of life that was planned over a year ago.  Mommy and Daddy now have children.  We've never done this before (with two).  So, let the games begin...


Friday, June 22, 2012

9+3


Jack: Hey Dad, What's 9+3?

Dad: What?

Jack: 12

Dad: Very good, how did you know that?

Jack: It was in my imagination.

Dad: (laughter)

Jack:  Hey Dad, What's 9+3+3?

Dad:  What?

Jack: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

Dad: Are you sure your only 4 years old?

Monday, June 11, 2012

Back On The Roof!


With Baby "X" on the way in just about two months, it is hustle season!  

Yesterday, I jumped back on the roof with Louie (step-dad) who know the trials and tribulations of being a dad.  He is absolutely awesome and has always found the time to section off parts of his side work for me to swing a hammer and make a few extra bucks.  

Roofing is actually a lot of back-breaking fun.  It is a nice switch from a day of mental labor to a day of physical.  It shows you what the body is capable of, and how strong you really are.  Most importantly, it pulls in a few more dollars, and reminds you that you will do anything for your family.  

I'm so happy to be back on the roof in my off-time, and it looks like I will be pulling out the Ol' 32-Foot Extension Ladder more and more as we move forward with parenthood!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Keep Kids Safe

In the spirit of shameless self-promotion, this post is about a new undertaking by me and Nicole to help parents keep their kids safe.  Enter www.BabyProofingDaddy.com

Baby Proofing Daddy does two things:

1. Home Inspections - According to the U.S. National Institutes for Health, "Accidents are, by far, the leading cause of death in children."  Yikes!  Baby Proofing Daddy conducts a $75 Home Inspection and gives you an evaluation, recommendations, a free guide to home child safety and a free quote for supplies and installation.

2.  If you choose to install the safety devices yourself, congrats!  You just decreased your child's risk of injury and death.  If not, the second service of Baby Proofing Daddy is Supplies and Expert Installation.  

We are all busy and as parents we over look details constantly.  Our child's safety is top-priority and a second set of eyes is priceless.

Also, the blog linked to the site, the twitter feed and the Facebook page will maintain updates of recalled products, tips suggestions and child safety information.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Smarter than a 3 year old?

While in Key Food yesterday, Jackson and Nicole had the following conversation with the checkout girl:


Checkout Girl: (embarrassed) What is this?


Nicole:  It's Swiss Chard.


Checkout Girl:  Thanks...sorry.


Nicole:  No problem.


Checkout Girl reaches for next item


Checkout Girl:  ...and what's this?


Jackson: (astonished) Mom, she doesn't know what KALE is?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Pirates

Captain Dad:  ARGH! Captain Jack, me thinks Captain Dad would like a cup of pirate coffee.  Would you like some as well?

Captain Jack: Argh! No Thank You.

Captain Dad: ARGH! You must want some pirate booze! Yes?

Captain Jack: Argh! No.

Captain Dad: Then what do you likes to drink.

Captain Jack: Argh! Warm milk.   ...argh, and Captain Jack has to go pee.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Under the Table

"Look at me! Im uncle joey, I live under the house."

(My brother lives in my basement)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Book


Ooooooh Yeah!!!…Get Ready Kindle Readers! 

The ebook store is about to go from 1,404,463 publications to 1,404,464.  Although by the time I release it, it will most likely have surpassed 1,500,000 because there are programs that allow spammers to release thousands of books a day, further diluting the ebook world making the value of anything that I write even that much lower, which means I’ve wasted months writing a book that I could have hired someone from Banglore to write in between answering phones for Dell and taking long distance McDonald’s drive through order...BUT, that’s besides the point.

I’m writing a book.  More details to come.

Stay tuned…

Monday, April 30, 2012

Everything's OK


I’ve been absent for a few days…OK more than a week or so.  It’s because I was away on vacation…OK having a nervous breakdown.  My Mom would tell me “Oh Tommy stop being so dramatic” and she is probably right.  You see having one child was stressful.  I was sure my life would change dramatically.  It did in some ways, but for the most part I was able to maintain the status quo.  But two?  (I’m actually starting to sweat right now as I’m typing).

Florida was a nice escape, and while I was there I daydreamed about giving up the hustle and bustle of New York life and moving to a tropical paradise, as if through photosynthesis I could convert sunshine into cash.  I even looked into jobs that I would never in a million years take if I were in New York, and for what?  To be miserable in a beautiful place?

When I returned, I realized that the only option I have is to follow through with my life here.  Follow my passion.  Push forward and everything will be OK.  The best part of everything being “OK” is that you can very easily change the definition of “OK.”  Beans and rice will keep us alive, so we are OK.  Retirement will take place in a coffin, OK.  My children will grow up with a Dad who is a happy and funny whatever I am (comic, writer, performer), rather than an absent and angry lawyer, and that is certainly OK.  I don’t remember how much money my parents made…just how much time we got to spend together.  We’ll figure it out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My Ami


Jackson: I want to go meet Your Ami 


(He meant Miami...My Ami, Your Ami, His Ami, Her Ami.....I love kids, My Kids, not Yours). 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Key Largo, Morning 3

Jack:  Dad, do you think you can turn the light on because I can't see my body?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I Love You Twelve

Mom: I love you

Jack: I love you too

Mom: I love you three

Jack: I love you 4

Mom: I love you 5

Jack: I love you 6

Mom: I love you 7

Jack: I love you 8

Mom: I love you 9

Jack: I love you 10

Mom: I love you 11

Jack: I love you 12

Mom: I love you 13

Jack: NOOOO, 12 is ENOUGH!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Compliment?

While using neighboring urinals:


Jack: Wow Dad, your penis is long just like mine!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Hide and Seek


Jackson’s failure to understand the logistics of “Hide and Seek” makes it the perfect game that can be played for hours.  He counts and then just thinks I’m hiding no matter where I am.  When it is my turn to count, I completely ignore the game, and when he returns to me, I yell “Found You!!!” and he looses his shit.   This can’t go on for much longer, but for now it is brilliant.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Florida Keys Day 1

Our flight took off at 6:05am, so we woke up at 3:45am.  American Airlines charges per undergarment checked, so like refugees seeking warmer days, we carried everything with us on our backs.  When we arrived, the woman at the Dollar Rent A Car counter told me she knew nothing about the car insurance that I purchased on their website.  She even had a swivel computer where she could turn the screen around to prove that I was wrong and an idiot.  She didn't realize that I too have a computer and while mine isn't on a cool swivel, it is small enough to fit in my pocket.  I took out the email and showed her the confirmation.  She explained that it was insurance from an outside company and if anything happened I would have to submit claims to a different company.  I wound up wasting time canceling one insurance and taking the Dollar Rent A Car "ROCK SOLID-DON'T-CHU-WORRY-'BOUT-A-THANG" Insurance.  To make sure I get the full value of my insurance, I'm going to return the car through the revolving door that leads to the Dollar counter.


We drove to the hotel...I mean Motel...I mean where people die in movies.  It really isn't so bad except for what Nicole has deemed "The Creepiest Door in the World."  It really isn't that bad.  We just have to beat off the Chernobyl Creature who lives behind the door, and that only happens once an hour.







In the afternoon, we went to lunch, the pool, then dinner...Super Simple, Super Relaxing.  We were all in bed by 9pm.  We have two full size beds and Jack didn't want to sleep alone.  I cuddled with him in his bed until he fell asleep, but then I fell asleep and woke up around 4am.  Sometime between 9pm and 4am Jack transformed from a 32 pound, 3 foot boy to a 300 pound, 7 foot man and there was no room at all.  I looked at my other option; sleeping in bed with my 5 month pregnant wife....let's just say the Chernobyl Creature prefers to be the big spoon.



Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Innovation

Jack:  Look Dad, A Violin!

(Jack holding a guitar to his neck with a fork in this hand)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Unicorns

Jackson:  I slept great...I dreamed about unicorns.

Dad: How did they taste?

Jackson (horrified) Noooo!

Dad: You didn't eat unicorn burgers?

Jackson:  Dad, they were friends.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Privates


Jack:  Dad, I’m taking a look at my penis.

Dad:  Fine, just go in your room.


I’m not sure (at least 100% sure) how I’m supposed to react to this.  On the one hand, it seems strange that little boys want to jam their penis in between every dresser drawer, Elmo book, and snow boot.  At the same time, I can’t see the benefit in making him uncomfortable about exploring his privates. 

I honestly don’t remember being 3 (or 18-25), but it must be weird to discover yourself.  Think about it…I touch my arm, I feel my arm being touched…I touch my foot, I feel my foot being touched…I touch my face, I feel my face being touched.   I touch my penis, OMG that is …different.

WARNING!!!  PERSONAL AND POTENTIAL “TOO MUCH INFORMATION” STORY:

While I don’t remember much about my penis escapades at the tender age of 3, all boys (and I assume girls) do weird things with their privates at some point or another.   My mom is a nurse, and when I was about twelve, I had a thing for cutting the fingers off of her latex gloves and jamming my 12-year-old penis into them.  The thumb always fit the best but it was too short, while the middle finger was long enough but tight enough to create every shade of purple imaginable. 

One day while I was “exploring,” something different happened striking the fear of god in me.  Looking back, it was nothing more serious than a young boys first experience with an orgasm.  However, in my 12-year-old brain, I was convinced that I had somehow electrocuted myself and was going to die. I don’t know how I came to this conclusion.  Maybe I thought that I had generated enough static electricity from the friction that I had caused some sort of super-shock.  I knew I wasn’t dead yet, but if this was what electrocution felt like, I was doomed to continue to plug myself in, which would eventually result in certain death.  


I guess I’m a very liberal, forward-thinking dad because it doesn’t bother me if my kids explore their genitals.  I couldn’t possibly care less about what the church or society thinks, and the last thing I want to do is give my kids a complex.  I suppose as long as he doesn’t try to up the ante by sticking his dick in the electric outlet, all should be fine.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter Poll

Tonight at our pre-Easter dinner, Nicole told a story about a teacher who outed Santa Claus to a 2nd Grade class...Yikes!  Should she be fired?  Reassignment?  Disciplined?  Congratulated?  Promoted?  I didn't confirm any facts, but even a hypothetical can get a family discussion cookin'!


So, I created a poll.  It is to the left of your screen.  It has limited answers and no place for comments.  If you have a specific comment or suggestion or opinion, please leave it in the comment section of this post.


I'm curious...when did you find out and how would you tell your kids?  How would you feel if the teacher did?  Is there an age where all kids should know so that a teacher wouldn't have to keep the big secret?


hmmmmmmm........

Clown

What can I expect when my desk has more toys than pens?



Thursday, April 5, 2012

How Jack Wins Before 8am


7:00am

Jack:  I’m HUNGRY!!!!

Dad: I’m sleeping, wait.


7:01am

Jack: I’m STILL HUNGRY!!!!!!

Dad: Fine, what do you want?

Jack: I don’t know, let’s go check it out (runs into kitchen)

Dad: How about cereal….or oatmeal?

Jack: How about something else?

Dad: Well those are two options, this isn’t a restaurant.

Jack:  I know.  (runs to refrigerator) How about Strawberries?

Dad: Strawberries?  That’s it?

Jack:  Yep

Dad: fine


7:27am

Jack:  Your eggs smell good.  I’ll have some for lunch.

Dad:  Eggs for lunch?

Jack: Yes.

Dad:  Fine.

Jack: OK, it’s lunchtime.

Dad:  It’s 7:30!

Jack: Time for Lunch!


7:40am

Jack:  Thanks for the eggs Dad.

Dad:  Whatever.

Jack:  Can I have bread with Jelly?

Dad:  You just ate eggs and strawberries.

Jack:  But I’m hungry.

Dad:  FINE, but that’s your dinner and you can’t eat anything else today!!!

Jack:  Can I have a banana?

Dad:  I’m going back to bed, do whatever you want.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Jacksonism #254

"Why don't we watch Toy Story 3, and you can get a little work done, too" ~Jackson 6/6/11

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Escape

One morning, I hear a suspicious "clink" coming from Jackson's room.  Upon entering, I see the window lock on the radiator.


Dad: What are you doing?


Jack: I want to go out the window.


Dad: You can't go out the window!


Jack: But it will be sooo much fun.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Jacksonism #100

"Wow, that's a cool picture of hammers." ~Referring to Roger Water's "The Wall" Framed Concert Poster

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dear Jackson,

Dear Jackson,

If being close to you when you are sick makes you feel loved, but guarantees that I will be sick too, I will gladly spend the rest of my life carrying tissues.

Love,

Daddy

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Rhymes

At dinner tonight Jackson was playing a rhyming game.  The first word was "lad."


I prompted him, "what is the opposite of happy?"


"SAD!!!," Jackson replied.


"When I'm angry I'm..."


"MAD"


Finally, I said, "What do you call a little boy who is being naughty?"


"JACKSON!!!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Good Morning Feet

I woke up one morning recently and Jackson's head was on Nicole, and both of his feet were warmly tucked between my ass and my underwear.