Monday, April 9, 2012


Jack:  Dad, I’m taking a look at my penis.

Dad:  Fine, just go in your room.

I’m not sure (at least 100% sure) how I’m supposed to react to this.  On the one hand, it seems strange that little boys want to jam their penis in between every dresser drawer, Elmo book, and snow boot.  At the same time, I can’t see the benefit in making him uncomfortable about exploring his privates. 

I honestly don’t remember being 3 (or 18-25), but it must be weird to discover yourself.  Think about it…I touch my arm, I feel my arm being touched…I touch my foot, I feel my foot being touched…I touch my face, I feel my face being touched.   I touch my penis, OMG that is …different.


While I don’t remember much about my penis escapades at the tender age of 3, all boys (and I assume girls) do weird things with their privates at some point or another.   My mom is a nurse, and when I was about twelve, I had a thing for cutting the fingers off of her latex gloves and jamming my 12-year-old penis into them.  The thumb always fit the best but it was too short, while the middle finger was long enough but tight enough to create every shade of purple imaginable. 

One day while I was “exploring,” something different happened striking the fear of god in me.  Looking back, it was nothing more serious than a young boys first experience with an orgasm.  However, in my 12-year-old brain, I was convinced that I had somehow electrocuted myself and was going to die. I don’t know how I came to this conclusion.  Maybe I thought that I had generated enough static electricity from the friction that I had caused some sort of super-shock.  I knew I wasn’t dead yet, but if this was what electrocution felt like, I was doomed to continue to plug myself in, which would eventually result in certain death.  

I guess I’m a very liberal, forward-thinking dad because it doesn’t bother me if my kids explore their genitals.  I couldn’t possibly care less about what the church or society thinks, and the last thing I want to do is give my kids a complex.  I suppose as long as he doesn’t try to up the ante by sticking his dick in the electric outlet, all should be fine.

No comments: