Monday, December 28, 2009

Saying Goodbye (Daddy Must Protect The Family)

Some relationships resolve amicably, and others end with blunt force. I suppose peacefully is preferable, and I wish that were always the case. But when she knows too much, you can’t risk her being scooped up by the next passerby who fancies her wares. It sickens me to think how quickly she would divulge all I shared over the years. And that’s when an empty basement and some rudimentary tools become not only justifiable, but an absolute necessity.

When the house was finally empty I invited her. We were alone, so I started undressing her slowly. It almost felt like old times, but we both knew there was something very different. We hadn’t touched in years; certainly not like this. Her hard exterior was quickly uncovered. I don’t think either of us was prepared for what would happen next.

I gently lay her on the floor so that her most vulnerable was exposed. I reached for the screwdriver, raised it above my head and struck fast and sharply with the intention of piercing her brain. The resistance startled me as my arm retracted, bouncing off of her lifeless frame. The first blow did not pierce her as I had planned, but it had begun. I immediately dropped the screwdriver and grabbed the right tool for the job.

When the hammer came down with incredible force, her fragments splattered into my face. My blood began to flow voraciously, and I could feel the adrenaline pump like a geyser. I visualized my next attack, shut my eyes and delivered dose after dose of destruction, quickly opening my eyes to take in the damage. Surely, she would never speak again. But that wouldn’t be enough, for I was engulfed. My rage took over, and I was no longer in control. I would not be satisfied until I completely disemboweled every inch of her being.

When the mayhem was finally complete, I surveyed my efforts and in a moment of clarity was stunned. It would take me twice as long to clean up the mess I had made. Meticulous care and a heavy-duty contractor bag would leave the scene with no tale to tell. It was finished.

Though I’m sure there are less violent, neater, and more humane methods, I can think of no more satisfying way to dispose of a computer.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Torture Method #132

If you’re a woman upset with your man, the following is one of the most effective passive aggressive techniques available: Wait for the moment when he’s in bed, after he’s done reading or watching the evening news. Wait until he gives you the final kiss goodnight. Wait until his head hits the pillow, and then wait one beat longer, and say: “I missed my period this month. Remind me to pick up a test tomorrow.”

This accomplishes two goals. First, hormones will flood the nervous system. These hormones carry the signal of intense fear. Second, restful sleep is virtually impossible because the burden is on him to remind you to buy a test.

You’ll invariably be faced with a man who wants a resolution immediately. Remember, regardless of truth, stick to your story. You do NOT have tests in the house. If he knows that you do, maintain that they ARE expired. If he knows where they are NOT, or insists on running out to the store to purchase fresh tests, you’ll have conveniently urinated 5 seconds prior to delivering the “nightly news.”

Now, it’s important that you get a good night of sleep. You want him to suffer while you’re at rest. To get him off your case, explain that you will verify the situation first thing in the morning. If you’re paying attention, you probably already guessed the next step: forget the conversation ever happened, don’t buy the test, and don’t call him. Without question, he will call, text, and e-mail you throughout what you will later refer to as “the busiest day ever.”

When you are sufficiently pleased with his pain, you may let him know that he can relax. The test was negative. This method will successfully provide hours of entertaining torment. Feel free to print and frame the e-mails and text messages as a symbol of a job well done.

BONUS: This method can continue to another level. After you explain that the test is negative, become angry at you man’s reaction to the news of a potential pregnancy. Why wouldn’t he be honored to share the gift of life with you? The possibilities are endless.