Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Crash Course

A family is hard work. First of all, if you are a man, you have to deal with a wife. If you are a woman, you have to deal with a husband. I am sure both pose equally challenging dilemmas. If you are a gay or lesbian, I can only assume that you endure your own special brand of relationship psychosis.

After man and woman (or other) get involved, and decide to have a child, they should really have to take a class, and possibly go through a realistic training month. Here are a few suggestions that I have for anyone with the slightest interest in breeding.

First, buy an alarm clock with multiple alarm functions. Set this clock to ring at 9pm, 11pm, 2pm, 4pm and 6pm. The clock should be designed so that when it goes off, there is no way to stop the buzzer for at least 10-20 minutes.

Next, contact your bank, and set up an automatic withdrawal on a monthly basis for about $300.00 more than you think you can really afford. This withdrawal should go right to a fund established to educate people on the dangers of marriage and children. You will never see this money again, and you will most likely not see anything in return for it.

Take a carton of milk. Allow it to spoil. Fill an eye dropper with the spoiled milk. Use generously as a cologne every morning when you wake up, as you will smell like this for a good time after your child is born.

Stop exercising, and start eating shit. You are going to gain about twenty to thirty pounds regardless of whether or not you are the carrier vessel for the unborn child.

Take all of your music and movies and throw them away. Begin listening to only the sound of static (I prefer 104.9FM in NY), and music that is played from children’s toys. For your viewing pleasure, welcome to PBS.

Leave your house 30 minutes later than you planned and get everywhere late. People will begin to expect this behavior, and will eventually stop getting upset.

Start a pit bull walking service, and when you are up to 10 clients, take all of the pit bulls to your home and set them loose. Your house will never be clean or orderly again.

Strap about 20 pounds of weight to your chest and watch your back slowly disintegrate into a cramped, hunched mess. If your spouse is doing the same and asks you for a massage, refuse. He/She will refuse your request also.

Finally, mediated on the fact that things will only get worse despite the lies parents tell you. If you set yourself up for things to get better you will only be disappointed.

To Be Continued...

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