Vaginaplasty and Frozen Yogurt

The other day, I received an email from a woman who was interested in helping me write my blog.  It was a very generous offer, but more a “wake up call” than anything else.  I explained that it might seem a little weird to have a guest writer update the blog that I keep as a memoir for my kids.  While she can probably write Shakespearean rings around me, the genuineness of the context may be lost.

Nevertheless, we are in San Diego, it’s been almost 5 weeks, and I haven’t composed a single letter since March.  Time to write.

Here is a list of things that happened over the last 5-weeks to get you back up to speed:

• We arrive;
• Ellis decides he doesn’t want to sleep in his crib, or our bed, or at all;
• It is freezing because we don’t know how to use the AC and it is set for 22 degrees;
• There is zero water pressure;
• It rains for three days – IN SAN DIEGO!
• The kids shower comes off the wall when you adjust the water because the pipes were never strapped to inside of the wall;
•  The refrigerator is broken and the breast milk that we had special dry-ice shipped from NY is quickly defrosting, requiring us to buy dry ice and ice for days;
• The garbage disposal just hums…that’s it;
• The dog, who suffered from a serious Urinary Tract Infection, goes to her follow-up vet appointment, and is diagnosed with a recessed vulva, requiring a vulvaplasty (vagina surgery to remove the hood from her crotch);

• I fail my driver’s written test, as a result of under-studying and a crying child hanging on my leg;
• Nicole’s new employer lied to her about her hours, which severely restricts my ability to work;
• We receive an unusual email from our realtor that shows our current apartment as a new listing;
• A day later it is adjusted…to a short sale;
• This bears repeating – within 2 weeks of moving into our apartment, it is being sold because our landlord is in a financial hardship;
• The dog pees on the couch, because now, after her vagina surgery, she is incontinent…..I get angry, time her out in the bathroom, and when I kick the door open, I break my toe;
• We don’t have medical insurance because when you are in between jobs in America, good luck!  At least you get the action when the dice rolls…will I make it 3 months without breaking a bone…oh wait, I already broke my toe…great;
• San Diego water is on the top 25 most polluted, so we have to contract a water delivery service because we live in a dystopic society where the “haves” buy clean water and the “have-nots” grow tails;
• After 4 weeks, we get the HOA rules…from 1992.  And no dogs over 30 pounds are permitted, and unfortunately, Bella’s vagina hood didn’t weigh 35 pounds.

But, even after all that (and we are sure there is more on the way) we are happy.  Aside from the 3 days of rain, the weather is amazing.  Jackson is in karate.  Ellis is back on a routine, and Nicole and I found a great little frozen yogurt shop (Golden Spoon in Rancho Bernardo) within walking distance.  Things are good and getting better, and there really isn’t anything that can’t be cured with toffee-frozen yogurt with chocolate cake batter cookie dough ice cream….anything, except maybe dog vagina surgery. 

nEw ViEw...

......aNd NeW CoNtEnT oN tHe WaY!

Changes

It’s no surprise that I make impulse decisions.  In February 2003, in the middle of a blizzard, on the night before my first arbitration as a self-employed attorney, I jumped off a roof and sprained both of my ankles.  My first real estate purchase was the very first apartment that I saw.  “Let’s get married.”  “Let’s adopt a dog.”  “Let’s have a baby.”  “Let’s have two.”  Not a tremendous amount of thought or planning in any of these decisions.  I don’t necessarily recommend this strategy, but I know that I’m the type of person that might talk myself out of a plan if I over think it.  My fear of a boring life far outweighs my fear of change and adventure.

Moving away from New York, my family, and my home of 35 years was one of the most planned decisions of my life that almost never happened.  The itch began during Spring Break, 1999.  Amsterdam was the first trip overseas by myself.  All I had was a round-trip ticket.  No family.  No travel guidebook.  No plan.  For 10 days, we wandered.  The only map was folded in my pocket and only used at the end of the day to find our way back to our hostel.  This was one of the most liberating feelings of my life.  Years later the theory of improvisation would clarify and add a philosophy to my 10-day experience of freedom and life happening in the moment.

Over the next 14 years, my life would change in countless ways.  Relationship, career, spiritual shifts, marital status, moves, career change, and family additions all contributed to forming who I am today.  However, the decade and a half of life changes all happened in the constant of New York.  Nicole and I love to travel, and we’ve explored Canada, Prague, Budapest, Vienna, Bratislava, Slovakia, Krakow, Dominican Republic, Aruba, Costa Rica, and state after state of “escape the cold” southern weather.  With every trip, the same pattern persists; excitement followed by curious exploring, followed by daydreaming, and then the inevitable disappointment of a return to reality.  After most trips, and sometimes during, our keyboards would get an extra workout as we surfed the real estate and job listings wondering if this would be our inspiration to finally set sail.  Year after year, trip after trip, our hope diminished as the gravity of New York continued to grow stronger…and then, two weeks ago, the universe rolled out a red carpet.

San Diego was the first place in the U.S. that I wanted to move after I graduated from college.  I was only there as a child, but the promise of perfect beach weather and a cross-country adventure were enough to ignite my 21-year-old mind.  Instead, I listened to the “voice of reason” that I’ve come to learn is the voice of fear.  I took the “safe” route and went to law school.  I knew this would make my family happy and proud, and making a lot of money sounded like a ticket to anywhere.  What I received was a sentence to more entanglement, and the gravity grew stronger.

Three years ago, after much self-negotiation and detangling, I sold my law firm to focus on my place in the world of comedy.  This leap would change my entire worldview, because when I landed, it was in the world of improv at The Peoples Improv Theater in NYC.  This was the perfect point of my life for improv.  Not only would I practice it as an art form, but the deeper improv philosophy made sense to me in my life off the stage as well.  Day by day, one “yes” at a time, I lived moment to moment.  I slowly let go of my judgmental mind.  I followed the fear and didn’t let it paralyze me.  I accepted that fact that change is not only natural, but also it is the only way we get anywhere.

Three weeks ago, Nicole found a job at a fertility clinic in San Diego.  They made an offer and she accepted.  Four weeks from today, we leave New York.  A few years ago, I would freeze from all the fearful reasons why I shouldn’t leave…not anymore.  I still feel the fear of change, but it means something different now.  I don’t know what the future will bring.  Maybe I’m just seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, but what I do know is that nothing is permanent except change, and I can keep changing, and I will…