Sunday, June 2, 2013

Vaginaplasty and Frozen Yogurt

The other day, I received an email from a woman who was interested in helping me write my blog.  It was a very generous offer, but more a “wake up call” than anything else.  I explained that it might seem a little weird to have a guest writer update the blog that I keep as a memoir for my kids.  While she can probably write Shakespearean rings around me, the genuineness of the context may be lost.

Nevertheless, we are in San Diego, it’s been almost 5 weeks, and I haven’t composed a single letter since March.  Time to write.

Here is a list of things that happened over the last 5-weeks to get you back up to speed:

  • We arrive;
  • Ellis decides he doesn’t want to sleep in his crib, or our bed, or at all;
  • It is freezing because we don’t know how to use the AC and it is set for 22 degrees;
  • There is zero water pressure;
  • It rains for three days – IN SAN DIEGO!
  • The kids shower comes off the wall when you adjust the water because the pipes were never strapped to inside of the wall;
  •  The refrigerator is broken and the breast milk that we had special dry-ice shipped from NY is quickly defrosting, requiring us to buy dry ice and ice for days;
  • The garbage disposal just hums…that’s it;
  • The dog, who suffered from a serious Urinary Tract Infection, goes to her follow-up vet appointment, and is diagnosed with a recessed vulva, requiring a vulvaplasty (vagina surgery to remove the hood from her crotch);
  • I fail my driver’s written test, as a result of under-studying and a crying child hanging on my leg;
  • Nicole’s new employer lied to her about her hours, which severely restricts my ability to work;
  • We receive an unusual email from our realtor that shows our current apartment as a new listing;
  • A day later it is adjusted…to a short sale;
  • This bears repeating – within 2 weeks of moving into our apartment, it is being sold because our landlord is in a financial hardship;
  • The dog pees on the couch, because now, after her vagina surgery, she is incontinent…..I get angry, time her out in the bathroom, and when I kick the door open, I break my toe;
  • We don’t have medical insurance because when you are in between jobs in America, good luck!  At least you get the action when the dice rolls…will I make it 3 months without breaking a bone…oh wait, I already broke my toe…great;
  • San Diego water is on the top 25 most polluted, so we have to contract a water delivery service because we live in a dystopic society where the “haves” buy clean water and the “have-nots” grow tails;
  • After 4 weeks, we get the HOA rules…from 1992.  And no dogs over 30 pounds are permitted, and unfortunately, Bella’s vagina hood didn’t weigh 35 pounds.

But, even after all that (and we are sure there is more on the way) we are happy.  Aside from the 3 days of rain, the weather is amazing.  Jackson is in karate.  Ellis is back on a routine, and Nicole and I found a great little frozen yogurt shop (Golden Spoon in Rancho Bernardo) within walking distance.  Things are good and getting better, and there really isn’t anything that can’t be cured with toffee-frozen yogurt with chocolate cake batter cookie dough ice cream….anything, except maybe dog vagina surgery. 

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